baseball season is officially upon us! well, maybe not us in the purest sense, but the season has begun...

why tokyo, exactly, i'm not sure. (money? this way the media, mlb, franchises, can have more than one "official" opening day?) but i do know that the year just got MUCH more interesting. later this week i go to philly for some last-minute pre-season festivities. anyone else going? hey, phillies fans, drop me a line.

went to random house yesterday to meet my editor, danielle durkin, for lunch. i'd never actually been in the building before--all previous lunches having taken place off-campus. so this was a treat. random house, and all its imprints, have recently moved into a monolithic rose colored glass tower just south of columbus circle.

as i imagined, the elevators were sleek, well lit with small corner spots, and full of interesting looking--sometimes bookish, sometimes sexy--editors, associate editors, and the like. even the custodian looked unusually bookish.

i was visitor #195. or so said my nametag. i wondered if that meant 195 for the day, the week, or was it just random. like i came into the lobby (bookended with floor to ceiling bookshelves, which, it must be noted, are also well lit--backlit, actually, if i remember correctly--displaying all the classics on up to the current rh bestsellers), and the short, balding, yet still-managing-to-exude-a-certain-sense-of- attractiveness concierge thought to himself, "okay, this guy looks like 195."

up on the 18th floor, danielle's cubicle was more than just a cubicle, it was an officette, replete with sliding plastic door to close off the front. i was duly impressed.

danielle, dressed in a blue paisley shirt which she wasn't sure she liked ("i haven't quite made up my mind about it yet," she explained, as if it were on loan and she could bring it back to the second-hand shop should she decide it didn't suit her), brought me around to meet some of her cohorts and bosses. becuase BE is coming out on the ballantine imprint, danielle introduced me to nancy miller, editor-in-chief of ballantine, maureen o'neal, a senior editor, and allison dickens and mark tavani, two editors who head up the xyz arm of ballantine. they were all warm, enthusiastic, smiley, eager to get into the production of BE. they made me feel welcome, like i was now part of a family--which was an encouraging feeling.

reminded me of orientation at college. that very first day, sitting nervously in a large auditorium with a bunch of strangers. other newbies who somehow, curiously, already seemed to know each other. did they arrive weeks earlier? if so, why? was there a letter from the admissions dept. i didn't get? why didn't i get the letter? i never got the letter!

or was it that they all came from the same town? did they apply to college as a group? group essays? group SATs? how the fuck did they know each other?! how?

but then there were the upperclassmen, the guides, who made you feel like you were starting off on a journey with them. who made you feel like you could turn to them when in doubt, when in need, when you couldn't find the ATM or the nearest drinking hole. when you couldn't find your way back to campus, having consumed too much alcohol at the nearest drinking hole, when you couldn't find your way, period. they were there. they were always there. one in particular, might very well still be there, all these years later--poor guy changed majors more often than carrie bradshaw changed manolos.

  shopping with jamie heitner


so i was in LA for a long weekend.

every time i go, i feel like i've entered another country. the ratio of fake b's to real, for instance, is overwhelming. it's as if women fly in from omaha, detroit, lodai, or wherever, and are greeted at the airport by a welcoming agent named corky in game show fashion: "I'm so sorry. Your b's are a tad too small. You've got to go back where you came from but better luck next time!"

so they go back to omaha, detroit, lodai, or wherever and have them enlarged. actually, enlarged is putting it subtly. i saw b's in the grove the size of cement mixers.

here, for example, is a photo of a normal, nice looking b as seen in most cities and rural parts of the continental US.

here, on the other hand, is what they've got marauding around LA.

aside from the implants, i noticed this: most of the men's rooms are well stocked with Q-tips, towels, cologne, skin cream, deodorant, mouthwash--i even saw one with disposable razors and mini cans of shaving cream. now i don't know if LA men are notoriously high maintenance or what, but i can't, for the life of me, imagine de-waxing my ears in a public restroom, let alone shaving. for starters, who has the time?

"where you been honey? i thought you said you were going to the bathroom."

"yeah, i did. and while i was there, i noticed some 5 o'clock shadow and decided, heck, why not a shave."

sunday marked the end of an era for philly sports fans. veterans stadium was finally imploded. and while it punctuates the 70s and 80s for me, and while i'll miss her the way you miss an ex (ever notice how you only tend to remember the good stuff, and not the bad? there was good stuff, wasn't there????? wait, there has to be good stuff!) it's time to move on. time for all of us to move on.

i, for one, already have. and every night, before i turn off the lights, i look at the tickets i've got to opening day at the new park (2 weeks away!) and can practically smell the stale beer, the somewhat-ripe rotund man next to me, now reaching over me to pay the hotdog vendor $74.50 for two hotdogs and a coke. and it smells f'in fantastic. it smells like a winning season....is what it really smells like.

and look...just past the rubble in the last photo, there it is...the future....with real grass on the field this time.

...and it was green.

some of you have written in. wanting to know the name of the dude who drew the turtles in last week's entry. i wish i could remember his name. i really do. i would have given him credit. i really would have. i would have linked to his site, if he had a site. or if i could remember.

what i do remember is this: he lived in canada and had a woman's name. something like lesley, shelly. or perhaps minvera.

oh! and this: i found him on craig's (that narrows it down considerably, right? ) when i was looking to submit my cartoon captions to the new yorker (would link to them, but honestly; how many links to the new yorker can one blog have?)

if you know him, have had dealings with him, private or public, let me know!

in other news...been in LA. spent a lot of time in a rented car, looking for parking. it was a blast. more on the trip, plus a nice photo of a parking lot, later.

and while we're laughing,check out this cartoon by the brilliant bruno bozzetto. what would the italians do without him? more importantly, what would WE do without the italians?

writer, author, novelist,
scribe, comic, visionary,
music maker,
fondler of catholic priests

and...did you know, i also write cartoon captions?

so if you're good with the pen, (i'm even stick-figured challenged) and want some captions, drop a line.





i've discovered a new site. it's made life infinitely sweeter. a radio station that you can build, artist by artist. that lets you choose tunes. that actually monitors your choices and listens to you. i know, i sound like their cliched copywriter. but it's true. and it's free. tho i think i'm going to pay the little monthly fee to get the higher bandwidth going. check it out. if you like it, shoot me an email with your station name and i'll launch it.

spring training is what baseball should be. it's what i can only imagine baseball once was--before free agents, before unions, before sneaker endorsements, before steroids. the last point there really gets my blood boiling. mutherfuckers breaking all kinds of records and it's based on muscle enhancements? no.

doesn't fly.

two biggest things threatening the game: steroids and that stupid fucking player's union. you know what? if the players threaten with another strike? fuck 'em. just like the air traffic controllers. the minor leagues could take their place in a heartbeat. and judging by some of the talent i saw down in clearwater, there would be just as many dazzling double plays and just as many long balls. maybe even more because the younger players don't have the same battery of pitches as seen in the present day majors. it's like baseball in japan. no four-seam fastballs, no tailing sliders.

for someone who grew up in the northeast, it's strange to see palm trees looming behind the leftfield wall. it's strange to witness a delay of game caused by an unruly flock of seagulls. and it's strange to see peopling picnicking out on the lawn in dead center as if they were at tangelwood. but all strange in a good way, like quail eggs or hybrid cars.

i read yesterday that congress was going to step in and enforce serious drug testing laws if mlb didn't step up to their own plate. between that news and bush's tanking popularity in the latest polls, i feel politically optimistic for a change. now if massachusetts could only get it together. and, no, i'm not referring to the red sox...though i might as well be.

poor soxs.

i've been in florida for spring training...more on that later.

meantime, had steve martin on the brain. mostly because of the piece in the new yorker (see below) but also because i watched all of me on the plane ride home...

back in ny?

back in ny.

Steve Martin
The New Yorker
March 8, 2004

Studio Script Notes on "The Passion"

Dear Mel:

We love, LOVE the script! The ending works great. You'll be getting a call from us to start negotiations for the book rights.

Love the Jesus character. So likable. He can't seem to catch a break! We identify with him because of it. One thing, I think we need to clearly state "the rules." Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself? The creative people suggest that you could simply cut away to two spectators: Spectator one 'Why doesn't he use his super powers to save himself?' Spectator two 'He can only use his powers to help others, never himself.'

Does it matter which garden? Gethsemane is hard to say and Eden is a much more recognizable garden. Just thinking out loud.

Our creative people suggest a clock visual fading in and out in certain scenes like the last supper bit: Monday, 12:43pm." or later, "Good Friday, 5:14pm."

Love the repetition of "is it I?" Could be very funny. On the eighth inquiry, could Jesus just give a little look into camera? Breaks frame, but could be a riot. Also could he change water into wine in last supper scene? Would be a great moment, and it's legit. History compression is a movie tradition and could really brighten up the scene.

Love the flaying !!!!!

Could the Rabbis be Hispanic? There's lots of hot Latino actors now, could give us a little zing at the box office. Research says there's some justification for it. Is there somewhere where Jesus could be using an IMac? You know, now that I hear myself say it, it sounds ridiculous. Strike that. But think about it. Maybe we start a shot in heaven with Jesus thoughtfully closing the top? (Reminder: heaven is timeless).

The studio is very high on Johnny Depp right now. Just saw him in "Pirates." He was hilarious. Might be right for Jesus? Not so straightforward. He could bring a lot of pizzazz to the role. I think a meeting would be warranted. Love the idea of Monica Belluci as Mary Magdalene (Yow!). Our creative people suggest a name change to Heather. Could skew our audience a little younger. Love Judas. Such a great villain. Our creative people suggest that he's a little "conflicted." Couldn't he be one thing? Just bad? Gives the movie much more of a motor. Also, 30 pieces of silver is not going to get anyone excited. I think it's very simple to make him a "new millionaire." Bring in the cash on a tray. Great dilemma that the audience can identify with.
Minor spelling error: on page 18, in the description of the bystanders, there should be a space between the words "Jew" and "boy."

Merchandising issue: it seems the cross image has been done to death and we can't own it. Could the crucifixion scene involve something else? A Toyota would be wrong, but maybe there's a shape we can copyright, like an ellipse?

I'm assuming "the dialogue is in Aremeic," is a typo for "American." If not call me on my cell or I'm at home all weekend. By the way, I'm sending a group of staffers on a cruise to the North Pole, coincidentally around the time of the release date. Would love to invite your dad!
See you at the movies!

Yours,
Stan

it's nearly official! my novel, behind everyman, is going to italy. just waiting on contracts now. the publisher will be sonzogno. they're looking to bring it out with the US release. details as they come in...avanti!!

saw ethan lipton's show last night at fez. couldn't be a better place to kick off the release of his new cd. and i couldn't recommend it more. one of the funniest songwriters alive. i've put some photos in the gallery. unfortunately, i couldn't seem to take one without this really annoying guy's head in the way. he just wouldn't move. all night. muthafhucka.

anyway, check out ethan's website here and go see the next show if you can. (and if you see that jerk from the photos, be sure to flip him the bird for me).

don't touch that dial!! my agent, emilie, just called with news of a deal in the works with an italian publisher. it's looking good! more as things develop...

the new "mall" at time warner center isn't as bad as all the critics have said. take it from someone who grew up near cherry hill, you don't feel like you're in a mall at columbus circle. there's no canyon-like reverberation. there's no fountain. (i actually liked the chlorinated smell of the mall fountain, and enjoyed pitching pennies into it, when i was a kid). no piercing-pagoda. no head shops selling black light poster and pot-pipes. and certainly one doesn't expect santa clause or the easter bunny come holiday time.

true, there are a million tourists, and yeah, there is dj in emporio armani, and yeah, it already seems to have its fair share of teenage jcrew mall-rats, but as an architectural accomplishment, and a break from the grind of the city, it's actually pretty well done. and rather peaceful. i took a bunch of photos. you can check 'em out here.

the whole foods in the basement of the building is something like 58,000 sq feet. if you intend to do some food shopping, make sure you have a GPS device on you before you take the escalator down. i happen to love whole foods, but for some reason, this particular franchise doesn't give out free samples--half the reason to go to whole foods in the first place. (who wants to join me in starting a petition?)

columbus circle itself is still, as paul goldberger once said, "a chaotic jumble of streets that can be crossed in about 50 different ways- - all of them wrong," and with the construction going on, you may need to cut your own path. but once inside the enormous glass structure (which, to me, looks nasa-like, as if it were about to launch), you can get some wonderful views of central park south and the 5th avenue sky line. also, you've never seen the gaetano russo statue of christopher columbus, which sits atop the column in the center of the circle, from this angle. that's worth the price of admission alone.

when i lived on the uws, the awfully depressing, new york coliseum stood where time warner center now stands. like the bathrooms at port authority, the new york coliseum was a place to be avoided at all costs. and while jackie o might not appreciate the amount of shade the new center throws on central park, i think it's a heckuvalot better than the old coliseum. it will be interesting to see how the whole thing looks once finished. right now, there's still too much construction going on…and i don't believe everything has opened (like jazz at lincoln center). that the time warner center follows the curvature of columbus circle, and that it's the first building on the circle to do so, can only give me hope.

i'll sign off with one last paul goldberger quote from his 1979 book, the city observed. it has made me smile ever since i first read it 15 years ago. he's talking about the russo statue of christopher columbus (which was erected in 1892) and says that columbus looks "as if he had been waiting since 1892 for a break in the traffic so that he might go somewhere more comfortable..."